Welcome to the Week in Review for September 18th to September 23rd: “We don’t develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”—Barbara De Angelis
Sunday, September 18th Today, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence illustrated what an absolutely gigantic piece of shit he is when he told ABC News that as VP, he’d seek to emulate the profoundly evil Dick Cheney, the war-profiteering henchmen whose least damaging act while in office was shooting one of his supposed friends in the face. While the Indiana Governor’s social conservatism and predictably backward stance on abortion left little doubt that progressives are facing a formidable foe, the idea that Pence named such a reviled figure as model filled us with a profound sense of dread, and we remain terrified at the prospect of a Trump-Pence administration.
Monday, September 19th The War on Drugs is widely considered to be a spectacular failure. But it’s important to note that as far as its architects are concerned, it’s been a magnificent success, as it’s aim was not to protect the public, but put hippies and black people in jail. That’s why despite volumes of evidence to the contrary, the Federal Government’s official stance is, seriously, that marijuana is more dangerous than cocaine. That said, the endlessly inventive ways smugglers bring drugs into the United States is always a source of amusement for us, so we smiled when we read this Fox News report about a bazooka being used to fire drugs over the boarder from Mexico. Wed can’t wait to see what those crazy cartels come up with next.
Tuesday, September 20th Of the many things beloved by the legislators of the great state of California, perhaps nothing is more dear to its heart than regulation, even when said regulations make no sense and are virtually impossible to enforce. For an example, we humbly present today’s Fox News story which revealed that the Golden State’s Air Quality Control Board can now regulate bovine flatulence. In speaking about the bill which gave the agency the new power, Governor Jerry Brown mysteriously tied in a story from the bible, saying “You know, when Noah wanted to build his ark, most of the people laughed at him?” While we appreciate the importance of clean air and the dangers of climate change, it’s really tough to see this tactic as anything other than bullshit.
Wednesday, September 21st In a mystifying mix up that’s at once hilarious and horrifying, today we learned about Jasminka Velkovska, a Macedonia woman who recently underwent surgery to remove a lesion of skin cancer, but awoke to find that her vagina and colon liked together. In case you’re wondering—and we know you are—that means she’s actually farting out of her vagina. While the hospital has offered her just over 30k worth of compensation, nowhere in the article from Fox News is there any explanation for the incident, or even an overview of exactly why there would be a reason to link a persons vagina and colon. Everyone makes mistakes, but Jesus Macedonia docs, that’s a whopper.
Thursday, September 22nd After Harambe the gorilla was shot after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo earlier this year, there has been no shortage of genuinely unfunny memes depicting the 17-year-old Western lowland ape. And today, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling appeared to get in on the action when she retweeted an image of Harambe as a Patronus. For the muggles out there, a Patronus is a magical entity which wizards in the series can manifest to the protect themselves from Dementors, which are dark, sinister creatures which exist only to suck the joy out of the people. While Rowling later clarified that the Potter cannon has not been edited to include the unfortunately deceased primate, we rather like the idea of a gorilla Patronus.
Friday, September 23rd This week ends with one of the best headlines we’ve read all year: “Billions of Fleas With Massive Penises Will be Invading Bedrooms in South London Homes.” According to the United Kingdom’s News Shopper, the super flea’s penis is two and a half time the length of its body, which lead us to wonder about how exactly we would deal with it if our own member was 15 feet long. Here’s hoping the local residents aren’t completely overwhelmed by the pesky little fuckers, and that the invasion will recede as quickly as it’s projected to appear.