Saturday, September 10th This week of somber, yet unreflective remembrance, headline-making speeding infractions, public porn and unrepentant professional negligence kicks off with a surreal story about how a Philadelphia woman was hit in the face by a catfish that fell from the sky. While the story is undoubtedly hilarious, according to CBS Philly, Lisa Lobree was not uninjured in the bizarre episode. She escaped with some swelling and a small cut, but the worst part was that afterward, she “smelled terrible.” The likely cause of the falling fish was a butter-beaked seagull, and we find it amusing that this “catfish incident” has nothing to do with the dismal dating practice.
Sunday, September 11th It’s been 15 years since that clear, beautiful fall morning. But millions of Americans still remember exactly where they were upon learning New York City’s iconic Twin Towers had been struck by hijacked jetliners. We can’t forget buying the special afternoon edition of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, its headline blaring: “ATTACK!” Now every year on this day, we hear the same tired platitudes about our collective heroism, strength, and courage, while everyone forgets that the terrorists were more successful than they could ever have imagined, as their aim was not simply to kill our citizens, but drain our coffers with costly overseas battles. And look where we are.
Monday, September 12th It can be all-too-easy for men to forget just how vulnerable women can feel while out by themselves at night, and unfortunately, there’s no shortage of news stories to justify such fears. So we smiled today when we read Express & Echo’s wonderful story about an unnamed woman who deflected a flasher with what’s perhaps the most potent weapon in the formidable feminine arsenal: withering mockery. After Andreas Murgellas exposed himself to a lady using the footpaths in a Bideford, England park, she replied with “that’s a poor excuse for a willy,” which caused him to beat feet in shame. Murgellas is now facing charges of assault and exposure.
Wednesday, September 14th For better or worse, the Internet becomes more and more of a part of our lives every day. So in theory, the idea that New York City recently deployed 400 public, web-enabled kiosks around the Big Apple seems like a fantastic idea. But as The Guardian reported today, all the stations are currently slated to be pulled off the street, because the LinkNYC terminals are being commandeered by the city’s homeless population to watch porn. Apparently, it never occurred to the big brains at the firm that this could happen, even though pretty much anyone who has gone online ever could see it coming from 1000 miles away. Seriously, LinkNYC? Ever heard of parental controls?
Thursday, September 15th Generally, getting a speeding ticket is a less-than-pleasant experience, but occasionally, the driving infraction can actually provide joy. For an example, we turn again to the Guardian, and its lovely story about Nigel Mills, a DeLorean owner in Essex, England who was arrested for driving his stainless steel sports car at a theatrical 88 mph. For anyone criminally unversed in popular culture, that’s exactly the speed the DeLorean in 1985’s Back to the Future needed to hit before it could travel in time. In what’s likely a wink toward the whimsical nature of the situation, both officers responsible for the collar neglected to appear in court, and the charges were dropped.
Friday, September 16th This week closes with another spectacular example of the deplorable state of American political discourse, when everyone, including NBC News, reported that Donald Trump, the racist, bloviating shit-bag currently at the top of the Republican ticket announced he now believes President Barack Obama was born in the United States. Fuck the so-called Fourth Estate for its continued, heroic efforts to normalize this evil, ignorant, and dangerous candidate. Today’s “journalists” are nothing more than gutless stenographers, and as we watch our fragile republic teeter on the bring of destruction, we sincerely wonder how anyone in the traveling press corps can sleep at night.