Saturday October 8th This week of moonwalking junkies, superheros fighting clowns, foundering presidential campaigns, and innovative defense strategies kicks off with a Utah candidate for governor threatening the wrath of God on citizens who don’t vote for him. According to the CBS affiliate KUTV, Dell Schanze made the threat in the state’s official campaign literature, and while there’s no indication as to exactly how God’s wrath will be inflicted on the populace of the Beehive State, we don’t have a tremendous amount of confidence in Schanze’s third-party bid. Here’s hoping he just goes back to making weird television spots for this Totally Awesome computer store.
Sunday, October 9th Today, millions of Florida residents battened down the hatches and faced Hurricane Matthew, the first Category 5 storm to hit the Sunshine State since 2007. But while most of the population was distracted by the heavy winds and rain pummeling the landscape, according to Fox 32, at least one person found the time to perform some good old-fashioned vehicular horseplay—in front of local news cameras. Unfortunately for 20-year-old Brandon Ware, local authorities weren’t totally distracted by the nasty weather, and still managed to take the donut-turning dude into custody. We’d have likely let it slide, but we’re not Florida cops.
Monday, October 10th Most of the time, getting the stereo jacked out of your car isn’t going to be cause for celebration. That said, the world is a complicated place, and occasionally, it does happen. For an illustration, we turn to WAtoday, which relayed the story of Australian man Tom Drury, who returned to his vehicle to find that a thief had not only stolen his radio, but left him approximately $15 to compensate him for the missing hardware. The twist here is that said stereo was actually quite a troublesome little unit, and Drury was actually planning to pay someone to remove it, so the thief did him a favor. Talk about luck.
Tuesday, October 11th Generally, men who have tiny penises don’t like to spend a lot of time blaring the fact that they’re less-than-generously endowed out to the world. When backed up against a wall, however, people will often admit surprising facts, and that was the case with today’s Ottawa Citizen report that Jacques “Porkchop” Rouschop’s defense in a rape trial rests almost entirely on the tiny size of his member. According to Rouschop’s legal council, the combination of the short shaft and his client’s pronounced belly would make it impossible for him to perform the acts he is accused of. The judge denied his request to whip it out for the jury.
Wednesday, October 12th In case you were wondering, the world is a pretty fucked up place. It’s a fact that’s been put on stark display in recent weeks, as reports from around the world have described the disturbing surge in people dressing up as clowns and terrorizing communities. That said, even the creepiest of stories can have a silver lining, as evidenced by today’s story from The Telegraph, which details that a man dressed as Batman is now on clown patrol in the little English town of Cumbria. Just like the comic book vigilante, this caped crusader prefers to go unnamed, but at least one photo has surfaced on social media of him chasing off a clown.
Thursday, October 13th This afternoon, Republican presidential candidate and walking pile of fecal matter Donald Trump responded to the three women who have recently accused him of sexual assault. As The New York Times reported, the tax-dodging, contractor-stiffing, serial adulterer lashed out at the ladies, calling their accusations part of a conspiracy to derail his campaign, and insinuated that none of them were actually attractive enough for him to have groped or fondled. At this point, the best thing we can say about this horribly protracted election season is that it will all be over soon, and if you believe Nate Silver, Hillary Rodham Clinton will be our next commander in chief.
Friday, October 14th Some days you’re hot, and some days you wind up busted for heroin possession after you’re caught moonwalking through a convenience store. At least that’s what happens if your name is Mark Wixler, whose impromptu and extended dance perform in a New Jersey gas station food mart isle caught some negative attention from the attendant on duty. After police arrived, it was determined that there was currently a warrant out for Wixler’s arrest, and he was taken into custody without incident. According to NJ.com, the dancing machine is currently behind bars, where he’s free to dance to the beat of his own drummer.