Welcome to the Week in Review for May 28th to June 3rd: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”
Saturday, May 28th This week of disappointing premiers, historically unflattering passport photos, and totally ruined weekends got off to a tragically ironic start today, with a sadly clinical report describing the drowning of a prospective lifeguard. Details come from MassLive, which relays that an unnamed man in contention for the alternately mocked and revered position was found drowned in Massachusetts’s Pilgrim Lake. The professional choice to save lives from desperate conditions is the glimmering poetry of humanity. We hope this candidate’s family finds comfort in the grace of our first responders.
Sunday, May 29th From gearheads who sneer at reliability and beige, to those who consider cars driving appliances, to Stateside consumers who revel in an occasionally glimpse of The Queen’s malice, the BBC’s epic series Top Gear has been a generation’s gold standard for octane and idiocy. So FactoryTwoFour fans were undoubtedly glued to their torrents today, when the new, sans-trio version premiered. Opinions abound, but unfortunately, as Jalopnik detailed, the reviews for Chris Evans and company were withering. We’re excited to for the lads to finally debut The Grand Tour.
Monday, May 30th An unfortunate aspect of fiscal reality became clear today, when it was revealed that the investment brain trust behind an esteemed school of cancer scientists had been delivering pension benefits generated by companies pushing the sales of cigarettes. For more, we turn to the always vigilant The Guardian, which confirms both our inherent trust in rainy British stalwarts and our assumption that deep down, everyone kind of wants a cigarette. Seriously, you know if it didn’t matter, at the very end, you’d smoke. We prefer Marlboro Reds.
Tuesday, May 31st Many an aspiring writer has plunged into the murky prospect of Yelp! reviews to flex their dexterity with the QUERTY layout. Of course, a business which has built its now-considerable empire on the backs of disaffected, under-sexed Mid Western housewives must have in its quiver a way for establishments to refute any assailants, and that architecture was utilized and beautifully magnified today, when the Washington City Paper turned its Fourth Estate lantern toward the incident of an unhappy customer who literally shit her pants during a contested exchange.
Wednesday, June 1st For many, the idea of being immediately mistaken for Adolf Hitler would be cause for concern. That said, we now turn our focus to the recent passport photo of proud Englishman Stuart Boyd, as his most recent image on the world-recognized document makes him look deceptively like the architect of the 20th century’s unquestioned nadir. According to a recent post by the ManchesterEveningNews, a retake has be authorized, and the pensioner will now be able to proceed on his long-imagined holidays without any nasty Nazi connotations.
Thursday, June 2nd Undoubtedly, today brought a celestial barrage of shit down on to the heads of many decent folks. And while your unflappable narrator would generally prefer to report on accidents, violence and injury from our lofty perch of snark and condescension, unfortunately, life impacts everyone. For the uninitiated cyclist, the experience of getting hit by a car is less a bragging right than a fear you’ll carry forever. We will mend our injuries with ice and bourbon.
Friday, June 3rd Today, unfortunately, we stare with a humble eye upward, as Muhammad Ali, a titan of the United States and one the world’s most recognizable sport figures, hovers on the brink of death. Details on this sad development come via NBC News, which is reporting the boxer-poet’s condition as “grave.” Our hearts go out all those currently buckling down and working hard for justice, Ali’s family and friends, and anyone ever captivated by the man who could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.