Welcome to the Week in Review for July 30th to August 5th: “When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”― Oscar Wilde
Saturday, July 30th This week of maddening cultural appropriation, historic Olympic announcements, almost-certain publicity stunts, and dueling funeral parties got off to satisfyingly Satanic start today, when the Satanic Temple announced the introduction of its After School Satan program. According to the Washington Post, the ASS programs are aimed at elementary school students, and will be rolled out across the country to protest some districts’ hosting of Christian-themed versions on public property. While many folks won’t get the point, we chuckle every time this meme is illustrated in reality, and would like to remind nervous Christians that as long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Sunday, July 31st Police officers have a difficult, dangerous job to do, and it’s one which often calls for an overabundance of caution. Today, that caution was on commute-destroying display, as officers in Clark Country, Oregon ended a two-and-a-half hour standoff with a stolen motor home only to find it empty. Unfortunately, as Oregon Live reports, the incident occurred on a section of I-205, a busy arterial which remained in complete gridlock during the operation, and caused innocent motorists no shortage of frustration. That said, we’d like to extend a hearty go-fuck-yourself to the scumbag that both stole an RV and abandoned it on a freeway. Next time, why not aim for someplace like a Wal-Mart parking lot?
Monday, August 1st Over the years, we’ve often pondered the profitability of the fabled “Nigerian Prince” email scam. And today, we received confirmation that one Nigerian perpetrator has been brought to justice, along with an eye-opening lesson in just how sophisticated some of the African nation’s swindling operations actually are. For details, we turn to CNN, which reported on the Interpol sting operation which lead to the apprehension of a man referred to as “Mike,” who allegedly “swindled individuals and companies out of $60 million.” While “Mike,” did rake in millions, it’s important to note he’s dumb enough to have gotten busted in a country which makes the Wild West look as regulated as the world of Gattaca.
Tuesday, August 2nd Everyone who’s knocked their iPhone off a counter and cracked the screen uttered a collective “are you fucking serious?” today, when the Vancouver Sun reported that a passenger in a Cessna 140 managed to find her handset “unscathed” after losing it from the aircraft. While the article explained owner Jeannine Buck used the Find My Phone utility to locate the device, no explanation was offered on exactly how Buck managed to drop it in the first place. Unfortunately, the presence of an Otter Box case, and our familiarity with single-engine Cessnas—if memory serves, the windows are fixed closed—leads us to believe this incident may be a publicity stunt. But we want to believe.
Wednesday, August 3rd It’s complicated when an outsider culture is embraced by the mainstream. On one hand, it’s an opportunity for overdue recognition, and on the other, a heinous opportunity for sick, shiny appropriation. In an curious case of serendipity, today brought us textbook examples of both, when Brooklyn Vegan revealed snooty retailer Barney’s is selling Black Flag shirts for the searingly offensive price of $285, and USA Today reported the IOC officially made skateboarding an Olympic event. While we can understand some skaters aren’t happy about the designation as a “sport,” we’re thrilled to see something which has brought us so much joy elevated to the world stage. Seriously, Fuck Barney’s.
Thursday, August 4th Over the course of his ugly, chaotic campaign for the presidency, Donald Trump’s erratic, pompous, and dangerous posturing has been remarkably consistent in one regard: He’s taken every opportunity to demonize illegal immigrants. So today, those in opposition to the candidate comedian Brian Gaar described as a walking “YouTube comments section,” got some extraordinary news, when Politico revealed Trump’s current wife Melania likely violated immigration law when she first came to model in the United States during the early ’90s. While a subsequent CBS News story will quote her former modeling agent will as saying everything is above board, no proof has yet been offered.
Friday, August 5th There’s an old Irish toast which says, “May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.” And while Leroy “Blast” Black wasn’t even close to 95, or dispatched by anything as sympathetic as a bullet, the dueling obituaries printed in his local paper proved his spouse had every reason to be jealous. Because as NJ.com reports, both Black’s wife and his girlfriend placed obituaries for the 55-year-old former fiberglass technician after he passed away from lung cancer earlier this week. Since both notices instruct mourners to gather at the same place and time, we hope the moonlighting, much-loved man’s service goes off without any ugliness. Please ladies, remember what you had in common.