Welcome to the Week in Review for July 23rd to July 30th: “Armageddon, come Armageddon! Come, Armageddon!” Come! ―Morrissey
Saturday, July 23rd This week of shockingly obvious treason, sickening attacks on the vulnerable, and sympathy-inducing kidnappings got off to a calorically devastating and generally depressing start today, when a crowd of New Yorkers confirmed the long-held stereotype regarding their Seinfeld-like contempt for the lives of others. According to the Hamilton Spectator, patrons waiting to score cronuts―the freakishly popular croissant/donut hybrid―at SoHo’s Dominique Ansel Bakery remained completely impassive at the presence of a human corpse near the line. In light of this news, we’d like to recommend anyone being assaulted in NYC skip yelling “rape” or “fire,” and go with “cronut.”
Sunday, July 24th Anyone familiar with the heartbreaking tales of child abuse which all-too-regularly make news knows a mother’s love isn’t always absolute. But today brought some bittersweet confirmation that plenty of moms are always ready to defend their children, when Kathy Taylor told a Florida judge that her son couldn’t be guilty of premeditated murder, because he’s incapable of making a plan. As the Miami Herald reported, Taylor offered no alternative suspect in the brutal slaying of a local married couple, but wrote “Premeditated? Absurd! My son has never been one to prepare anything,” in her petition to the court. As backhanded complements go, it’s a doozy.
Monday, July 25th One woman was killed and another was badly mauled by a tiger today, when they got out of their car inside a Chinese safari park near Beijing. According to NBC News, the first woman exited after getting into an fight with the man driving, and the second followed in an attempt to save her. While there’s no information on the subject of the argument, we’re speculating the man finally confirmed her sister is prettier. Fortunately, the driver and the young child riding in the car weren’t harmed, but we imagine the unidentified and perhaps brutally honest man will be forever haunted by the memory of the massive cat dragging the woman into the bush.
Tuesday, July 26th Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone’s fondness for dictatorships, blatant use of bribes, history of sexist comments, and general disregard for the sport of racing has long drew the derision of motorsport fans. But today, kidnappers in Brazil might have prompted a something many thought impossible: A news item which portrays him in a sympathetic light. According to Jalopnik, Ecclestone’s mother-in-law is currently being held for a $37 million ransom, which places the man most accurately described as “Supreme Warlock” in the uncomfortable position of having to pay handsomely for the return of someone many husbands would happily pay to make disappear.
Wednesday, July 27th The already surreal race for White House took an apparently treasonous turn today, when the Republican candidate for president publicly implored Russian hackers to attack his political opponent. As NBC News reported, Donald Trump used a Florida press conference to ask, “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” in reference to the numerous documents which were improperly deleted during the Hillary Clinton’s tenure as secretary of state. Trump also stated he might support Russia’s illegal annexation of Crimea, and said, “I’m not going to tell Putin what to do.” This feels like the end of the world.
Thursday, July 28th Today, Vladimir Putin’s Russia was in the news again, and the reasons were predictably unsavory. Because while Donald Trump has heaped praise on the dictator, the government of the ex-KGB officer is almost unimaginably cruel, a fact brilliantly illustrated by lawmaker―and Putin ally―Yelena Mizulina, who after achieving victory in her quest to effectively criminalize homosexuality, is now attempting to strip rights from another group of Russian citizens: battered women and children. As the Independent reports, If passed, Mizulina’s reprehensible legislation would demote spousal and child abuse to a misdemeanor. Seriously, bring on the apocalypse.
Friday, July 29th While the profound love people have for their animals means there’s never any shortage of stories about pampered pets, rarely do the details feature battles over six-figure trusts. But that’s the turn the story of a seven-year-old dachshund is taking, because as UPI details, a New York-based caretaker is alleging the executor of a $100,000 endowment established to cover the animal’s medical expenses has been deliberately withholding funds, with the hope that the dog will die and its trust can then be donated to a charity which, ironically, helps animals. It’s time for some bourbon.