Welcome to the Week in Review for July 16th to July 22nd: “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” ―Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Saturday, July 16th This week of surreal political plagiarism, acid-addled seagulls, and incomprehensible, infuriating police conduct got off to a deviously demonic start today, when a city council meeting in Pensacola, Florida opened with a prayer from David Suhor of the local Satanic Temple. As Dead State reports, attendees predictably freaked out about Suhor’s invocation, which highlighted the merits of logic and reason, and concluded with a soaring chorus of “hail Satan.” We’d like to commend Suhor on his epic trolling, and also remind Christians that the Church of Satan has nothing to do with sacrificing babies, and everything to do with maintaining the separation of church and state.
Sunday, July 17th North-of-the-border folks are generally thought to be friendly, cooperative, and apology-prone. But today brought a reminder that stereotypes are often false, via the case of a Canadian family court judge who recently dumped a British Columbia couple after becoming frustrated by the pair’s cantankerous child-custody battle. According to CBC News, justice Bryce Dyer believed “having to face a new judge who knows nothing about them will add a strong incentive or impetus to their resolving issues outside court.” Of those issues, we easily found the father’s accusation that the mother is using prolonged breast-feeding to bar access the most entertaining.
Monday, July 18th Today brought the opening of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, and with it, the much-anticipated speech by Donald Trump’s third wife Melania. While the supermodel- turned-billionaire-ornament’s performance was briefly praised, Everywhere soon discovered Mrs. Trump had—hilariously—lifted several passages from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Democratic National Convention speech. Initially, the Trump campaign boldly denied any plagiarism, before abruptly shifting gears to pin the blame on speechwriter Meredith McIver, a person Good will later assert is a fictional scapegoat, noting “McIver’s Facebook page is only a day old and she has no friends.”
Tuesday, July 19th Residents in the United Kingdom’s coastal town of Plymouth were given a compelling reason to stay inside today, when local news outlet The Herald published a report warning against the threat of “seagulls tripping on acid from flying ants.” As the article details, the aerial insects are like candy to seagulls, and feeding frenzies can cause already-pesky avian scavengers to act erratically, as the ant’s high formic acid content makes the birds “drunk.” Given that The Herald has previously published a rouge’s gallery of the city’s most aggressive seagulls—where it refers to the birds as a “menace”—we sincerely hope Plymouth citizens are spared any widespread, Hitchcock-like invasion.
Wednesday, July 20th While Germans aren’t widely known for their great sense of humor, some police in the city of Bendorf proved they can be remarkably understanding today, when officers sent to cool down a woman’s 5oth birthday party were mistaken for strippers. Details come from NBC News, which reveals that convincing the ten assembled ladies that the boys in blue were not there to parade around in banana hammocks took some effort, and was ultimately aided by the unmistakable presence of squad cars outside the venue. Fortunately, the situation was diffused, and the revelers were ultimately able to pose for pics with the officers after promising to keep it down to a dull roar.
Thursday, July 21st Today brings more evidence of America’s out-of-control police, and the details are sickening. Behavioral therapist Charles Kinsey was trying to return an autistic patient to a group home in North Miami when he was surrounded by police. A just-released video shows Kinsey lying flat on his back, with his hands raised in the air, audibly pleading officers not to shoot, while simultaneously attempting to comfort his frazzled patient. But as the Washington Post reports, officers opened fire anyway, before handcuffing Kinsey—who is predictably black—as he lay bleeding in the street. Later, North Miami brass will explain the incident with obvious lies and unbelievable bullshit. We want to cry.
Friday, July 22nd The world got another titanic dose of abysmal news today, when CNN reported that as many as three attackers opened fire on crowds in a shopping district in Munich, Germany. While details of the presumed terrorist attack are still rolling in, at press time, seven innocent people lay slain, and at least one of the gunmen has been shot by police. The details of this gruesome, senseless act of violence are at once distinctly unique and painfully familiar, and our heart breaks for the families of the victims. We would so much rather have written about the Colorado town where the water is apparently full of THC, and this incident will be the last terrorist attack mentioned in The Week in Review.