Welcome to the Week in Review for August 6th to August 12th: “I’ll confess that I don’t watch the Olympics, but you’d have to be living under a rock to be unaware of the corruption and the expense.” —Seth Godin
Saturday, August 6th This week of perfectly appropriate murder, incredibly determined airline passengers, and dismal news from a country best known for the absence of pubic hair got off to a sad start today, when 13 people were killed in a French bar fire. According to Reuters the blaze began after a birthday cake crashed to the ground, and the candles ignited the carpet. The inferno was intense enough that more than 50 firefighters were needed to extinguish it, and one unlucky survivor suffered burns over a staggering 90 percent of his body. At this point, we have to wonder: exactly how old was this person turning?
Sunday, August 7th When it comes to modern Olympics, two things are certain. Michael Phelps will destroy everyone at swimming and NBC’s on-air “talent” will look like complete fucking morons in front of the entire world. But today, the dimwitted mannequins decided to add a despicable dose of naked sexism to their cocktail of appalling ignorance and witless banter, when they ascribed a medal-winning swimmer’s victorious performance to her husband. Special thanks to the folks at the Independent for highlighting NBC’s idiocy, which will certainly continue uninterrupted for the remainder of the contests.
Monday, August 8th Finding a vacation horror story on the internet is as hard as hard as finding porn. But even amid all the nightmare cases of lost passports and grimy hotels, today’s story of an exceptionally unlucky Chinese tourist makes most seem like minor inconveniences, because according to NBC News, a man identified only as “Mr. L” was booked in a German refugee camp after attempting to report a stolen wallet. Due to lack of an interpreter who spoke Mandarin, he spent nearly two weeks there before being let go. That said, it’s not the worst thing we’ve ever heard about Germany and camps.
Tuesday, August 9th In another interesting story about travel gone wrong, today CNN reported on a man so determined not to miss his plane that he jumped off a jetway and ran out on the tarmac to flag down his departing flight. To the surprise of everyone who has ever flown anywhere, the Ryanair pilot actually stopped taxiing and allowed him to board. While the man was arrested after he arrived at his destination, we remain amazed by this incident, as it remains the only known instance of customer service by the famously barbaric European low-cost carrier, which is known for charging passengers to use the toilet and outrageous baggage fees. Here’s hoping he got out the clink in time to enjoy his vacation.
Wednesday, August 10th While “beaver attack” might sound like a phrase a group of frat boys might use describe a drunken sorority sister’s sexual aggression, today brought news of a literal attack by the buck toothed, semiaquatic rodent. According to a Connecticut NBC affiliate, two people swimming in the Quinebaug River were hospitalized after the incident, though both are expect to make fully recoveries, because as the article states there are “few cases of beavers being infected by rabies.” On a side note, this news lead us to discover Connecticut’s nickname, “The Land of Steady Habits.” Lame, right?
Thursday August 11th Though it might be an extremely rare occurrence, today proved that good things actually do happen in the much-maligned state of Florida, even if those said good things often involve people being murdered in the street. For example, we submit NBC News’ report regarding the poetic justice delivered to Gary Lynn Durham, who actually served an 11-year sentence for murdering a man in a road rage incident, was murdered in a road rage incident. It’s unclear whether the man who shot him will face charges, but given the rootin’ tootin’ reputation of the Sunshine State when it comes to standing your ground, we’d bet he’s in the clear.
Friday, August 12th It’s understandable if our post from last week might have given the impression that we give a flying fuck about the Olympic Games, but today, we’d like to make it crystal clear that we have never and will never support this corrupt, excruciatingly wasteful, and irrelevant event which mercifully only occurs every four years. So we took genuine pleasure in today’s Arts Technica headline, which reads “Rio diving pool—still green—now closed and smells like farts.” Why a city which boasts such crushing poverty would be selected to host the competition remains beyond us. Rio, how ’bout them favelas?