Welcome to the Week in Review for August 13th to August 19th: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” —Galatians 6:7
Saturday, August 13th This week of political sex toys, wicked revenge plots, fantastic headlines, and heartwarming tales of destruction got off to a criminally stupid start today, when a Japanese robber was arrested after he went back to the convenience store he’d recently knocked over to apologize. Details come from Japan Today, which reports that 29-year-old Katsutoshi Ozaki would have likely gotten away with his crime, which netted him a tidy $17k, had he not returned to the scene to make amends. But the very Japanese gesture earned him no leniency with the local police, who took him into custody when the stunned staff alerted them to Ozaki’s surprise visit.
Sunday, August 14th There’s no shortage of hilarious “In Soviet Russia…” jokes on the internet, with our particular favorite being “In Soviet Russia, TV watches you.” And while today’s story from ABC News doesn’t follow the typical inversion of the endlessly entertaining meme, it does illustrate the backwards nature of the tundra most famous alcoholism and assault rifles, because we’re certain we’ve never heard of another place on the planet where people actually compete to see who can receive the most mosquito bites. While the current election makes us wince daily at the state of our country, we’ll take a hot dog eating contest any day of the week. Here’s hoping the Zika virus hasn’t made it to Mother Russia just yet.
Monday, August 15th In what’s set to be the best protest ever, University of Texas grad Jessica Jin is calling for students at the Austin campus to openly carry dildos to classes to protest the school’s new policy on concealed firearms. According to the Observer’s double entendre-laden report, the “Cocks Not Glocks” campaign is set to distribute 4,000 sex toys at beginning of the semester, with the aim of displaying them until the policy is reversed. Now, we’ve generally been less than kind toward the Lone Star State in this column, but Jin’s plan is a nice remainder that there are decent people most everywhere, a fact which will make the first time a creationist shoots a heathen biology professor at UT all the more sad.
Tuesday, August 16th Back in 1983, writer Vincent A. Musetto wrote what’s widely considered to be the greatest headline of all time, when he titled a New York Post story about a gruesome murder “Headless Body in Topless Bar.” But today, the dearly departed Mr. Musetto was given a run for his money, when Sweden’s The Local went with “Sex Pigs Halt Traffic After Laser Attack on Pokémon Teens,” which happens to be both a surrealistic masterstroke and an accurate description of a recent altercation in the Nordic nation’s tiny village of Insjön. While the full story remains too complicated to quickly summarize, we’re happy to report that the aforementioned “Sex Pigs” managed to slip away from the scene without being cited.
Wednesday, August 17th Today brought a spectacular display of retaliation, when a French hacker turned the tables on a team of Indian scam artists who were trying to shake down his parents. The delicious details come from the Register, which reports that after entering a chat with the attackers, Ivan Kwiatkowski tricked them into believing he’d sent them an image of his credit card. What he’d actually sent was a ransomware virus called Locky, which upon being unpacked from its ZIP file, quickly began encrypting the criminals’ computer network. While Kwiatkowski’s response doesn’t match the legendary “Baited by Shiver” story which saw one Nigerian “minister” get tricked into getting a tattoo, it’s nevertheless a quite impressive exploit.
Thursday, August 18th Over the years, there’s been a constant barrage of bombastic bullshit from the Christian right, particularly in regard to our gay brothers and sisters. So we found today’s Pink News story regarding outspoken asshole Tony Perkins’ recent life event, which the publication brilliantly summarized with the searing headline, “Man Who Claims God Punishes Gays With Floods has his Home Destroyed in Flood of ‘Biblical Proportions.’” Of course, like most of his ilk, who won’t be happy until they turn the United States into a Christian version of Saudi Arabia, Perkins only believes what he says when it’s convenient for him, and called the disaster “incredible” and “encouraging.” Fuck you, Tony Perkins.
Friday August 19th As a devoted fan of bourbon and beer, we’re also big supporters of Uber and public transportation. So we can attest that while we’ve been profoundly annoyed by missing the bus, we’ve never actually let it get the best of us, like one Ohio woman recently did. According to San Diego’s CBS8, the ironically named Lisa Carr was so pissed after missing her bus, that she boosted an ambulance from the hospital she’d just been discharged from, and used it to make the ten-mile trip home. Unfortunately for Carr, the ambulance was equipped with a GPS, which allowed authorities to easily track its location, and she was busted as soon as she arrived at her destination. It’s unclear what she actually thought would happen.