Saturday, April 9th This week of dead leprechauns, unfortunately named tours, and NSFW fried chicken ads got off to a fantastic start today, with a teacher’s plea that her affairs with students lead to better grades. Details come from Utah’s Salt Lake Tribune, which relayed the sexy saga of Brianne Altice, an educator who was every boy’s dream and every parent’s nightmare. Somewhat predictably, authorities were not swayed by the scholastic improvement argument, and Altice didn’t explain why her extra instruction saw results in only one of her three pupils-with-benefits.
Sunday, April 10th Employees at a Starbucks in Rohnert Park, California took a break from dealing with surly, demanding, and under-caffeinated humans today, when a local goat wandered into their cafe. As Oregon’s Fox 12 reports, the animal—adorably named Millie—hadn’t traveled too far from home, and allegedly passed up a proffered banana, instead choosing to the gnaw on a cardboard box. We’d like to wish Millie, along with anyone who happens to live in a town sleepy enough for this to make the news, all the the best.
Monday, April 11th Today, our attention turns to Plattsmouth, Nebraska for another hilarious case of out-of-place animals. In America’s gauzy, Norman Rockwell-steeped mythology, firefighters are summoned to rescue felines from trees, and not, as Omaha’s LETV 7 reported, 120-pound Great Danes. So it’s fun to imagine the reactions of the local fire crew, described as “somewhat skeptical” when alerted to the dog’s predicament, as they arrived on scene to extricate it. No word on exactly what prompted the canine’s climb, but speculation centered on a squirrel.
Tuesday, April 12th David Guest, the celebrity likely best known for marrying Liza Minnelli and looking like a bloated, even creepier version of Aladdin’s Jafar, was found dead today at the Four Seasons Hotel in London. No cause of death was immediately revealed. What was revealed, as the Independent so beautifully deadpanned, was the fact that Guest died shortly before hitting the road in a musical showcase tour titled “David Gest Is Not Dead but Alive With Soul.” Further complicating matters is the fact that, at press time, the tour is scheduled to proceed as planned.
Wednesday, April 13th Fans of sugar-laden, “magically delicious” cereal Lucky Charms were crestfallen today, when the world learned of the death of Arthur Anderson, the original voice of the breakfast treat’s mascot Lucky the Leprechaun. Along with his much-loved portrayal of the petite, plucky Irish fairy, Anderson was also an accomplished actor of radio, stage, and screen. As NBC News details, the versatile voice tackled roles in productions as diverse as Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Dicken’s A Christmas Carol, and the gritty street-hustler drama Midnight Cowboy.
Thursday, April 14th While scientists continue to wrestle with monumental questions about the universe—including the possibility humanity exists in a two dimensional hologram—the SFGate announced today that at least one researcher purports to have discovered exactly why so many different music fans ferociously hate Nickleback. Unsurprisingly, the answer aligns closely with the traditional determination that the Canadian four piece’s music is derivative, ear-clogging dumpster cheese, and rests on the idea that “Nickelback is too much of everything to be enough of something.”
Friday, April 15th Just like abusing the Christmas party’s open bar, or sending “reply all” emails, misusing Twitter has caused many employees to get fired. And while the tricky marketing medium sees many mistakes, rarely are they as entertaining a KFC’s recent fiasco. As Australia’s UPI reports, pixelization and a tag line of “Something hot and spicy is coming soon,” suggested the featured lady was giving her partner a handjob. Obviously, the backlash came quickly. So let that be a warning to advertisers: Want to create excitement? Then suggest something exciting. Like a blowjob.