Saturday, April 23rd This week of serial butt-slappers, surly Satanists, and aborted job interviews got off to a surreal start today, with news of an Oregon man who settled up with a prostitute by giving the woman a monkey. Details come from The Register-Guard, which reported that Zany Zoo pet store owner Nathan Allen McClain allegedly partly paid for sex with what South Africans refer to as “a little night monkey.” In fairness to McClain, we should note that he did also render cash (though it was later revealed to be stolen Girl Scout Cookie money). The primate was a “tip.”
Sunday, April 24th Appropriately, today brings us news from the world of football, though it’s of the European—not American—variety of the celebrated sport. Fans of Germany’s Hannover 96 team have weathered a season so terrible that their demotion to a lower league seems all but certain, but according to Spanish sports daily AS, one local brothel is stepping up to help fans deal with the crippling loss by offering 15-minute quickies “with the hostess of their choice” for only 96 euro. Here’s hoping any despondent fans can remember to tip the ladies in cash.
Monday, April 25th In 1888, London’s Whitechapel district was terrorized by the still-unidentified serial killer Jack the Ripper, who along with mutilating his victims, also famously taunted police by mailing them a kidney. Today, the Independent revealed authorities in “the Smoke” are currently searching for another serial criminal, who has used an unregistered, Toyota SUV to deliberately soak unsuspecting pedestrians in the famously soggy city. In an event captured on video, the madman repeatedly used the vehicle to drench an elderly woman. He remains at large.
Tuesday, April 26th As the old saying goes, there’s no harder work than looking for a job. But as stressful as it can be, it’s generally advised to wait until the end of the day to knock back a few cold ones. Unfortunately, as KCCI Des Moines reported today, that’s a formula prospective taxi driver Ryan Dickson didn’t follow, and given that he crashed his car upon arrival at Trans Iowa cab company, it’s safe to say Dickson’s interview got off to a rocky start. A blood alcohol level three times the legal limit was blamed for the error, and police promptly arrested him.
Wednesday, April 27th There’s no shortage of jokes to be made about the hermit kingdom of North Korea’s wack job leadership. Our favorite? The fact that state-sanctioned media once reported that departed leader Kim Jong-il played a game of golf comprised entirely of hole-in-ones. Brilliant. Not so funny are it’s concentration camps and its formidable nuclear weapons arsenal. So when The Japan Times reported that North Korean has built a copy of South Korea’s presidential Blue House for target practice today, we reacted with a mixture of mirth and dread.
Thursday, April 28th In the week’s second instance of bizarre criminals, authorities in Upstate New York arrested the aristocratically named William Martini IV on what Syracuse.com described as “serial butt-slapping,” but actually reads more like sexual assault. Martini IV was taken into custody after a local trooper came upon him harassing an elderly woman, and discovered an unregistered .357 Magnum in his truck. At press time, only one other victim had been confirmed, but police are seeking to pin “similar incidents of alleged butt-slapping in the area” on Martini IV.
Friday, April 29th The race for the presidency of the United States took a delightful turn today, as representatives from the Satanic Temple denounced former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner’s assertion that candidate Ted Cruz is “Lucifer in the flesh.” “It grows tedious,” said spokesman Lucien Greaves “when pedophile priests and loathsome politicians are conveniently dismissed as Satanic.” But what’s tedious to one person can often prove supremely entertaining for others. Let’s keep our fingers crossed the Dark Lord will forgive this trespass.