Welcome to the Week in Review for May 21st to May 27th:
Saturday, May 21 This week of terrifying python attacks, junkie puppies, and sinister reality television show premises got off to a puzzling start today, when Ynet News published a frustrating obtuse story about the existence of an ultra-Orthodox Jewish dating site designed match gay men with lesbian women. The stated purpose of the site—the name of which Ynet News curiously neglects to mention anywhere in its 541-word article—is to pair up partners so they can raise children in a “traditional” manner. So far, 50 people have signed up for the religiously sanctioned breeding, which is sure to lead to the most awkward first dates ever.
Sunday, May 22nd Matchmaking was in the news again today, as Australia’s 9News reported that North Korean despot Kim Jong-un announced he’s launching a campaign to find his 31-year-old sister, Kim Yo-jong, a husband. To many, navigating the complicated world of dating can feel like stumbling through a minefield. But given North Korea’s dismal human rights record, which includes religious persecution, concentration camps, and summary executions, it’s not outside realm of possibility to imagine spurned suitors finding themselves in a literal minefield. Just imagine how many would tune in to that reality show.
Monday, May 23rd While arresting 40-year-old Joshua West today, police in Tustin, California found his puppy, adorably named “Bubba,” to be acting “lethargic and high.” Details come from USA Today, which reported that tests revealed Bubba to be jacked on a mixture of heroin, methamphetamine, and nicotine, but at press time, it was unclear exactly how the drugs got into his system. Now, while our knowledge about drug-addled behavior is hardly encyclopedic, we find it hard to believe that West, regardless of whatever personal failings, was intentionally shooting up his dog. Drugs are expensive, and junkies generally prefer not to share.
Tuesday, May 24th It’s quite seldom that the rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ state of Texas is the source of anything but depressing news of the racist, anti-intellectual, or sexist variety. And today, we got further confirmation that United States would be best served by giving the Lone Star State back to Mexico, when Bloomberg News revealed that unlike enlightened states like Alabama, Texas currently has no laws banning bestiality. While the animal cruelty element of bestiality certainly can’t be ignored, it’s worth noting that sickos who abuse animals frequently graduate to assaulting humans, but that’s apparently of little concern in Texas.
Wednesday, May 25th In another case on animals high on drugs, a herd of Welsh sheep went on what UPI.com described as a “rampage” today, after stumbling across a lot of discarded cannabis plants. Apparently, nowhere was safe from the stoned sheep, as residents reported that some even broke into homes. When considered from a distance, the idea of intoxicated sheep wreaking havoc is undeniably entertaining, but it does make us wonder why a substance that humans take to chill out inspires such aggressive reactions in an animal so mild it’s used as as a euphemism for self-consciousness. Get on it scientists.
Thursday, May 26th Today brought news of a story so unbelievably frightening we almost declined to report on it, when Thailand’s Attaporn Boonmakchuay found himself the victim of a below-the-belt python attack. As CBS News reported, the 10-foot predator “slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using a squat toilet,” which regardless of how much we enjoy the South Eastern Asian nation’s cuisine, is enough to make us outright dismiss any visits to the country, and has also made every recent trip to the bathroom a terrifying trial. Fortunately, Boonmakchuay is said to be recovering nicely.
Friday, May 27th It’s been more than four decades since Dr. Henry Heimlich invented his namesake maneuver, and over the years, the revolutionary technique has saved countless lives. But the good doctor never had cause to actually use it himself until this week, when he saved the life of a woman choking during dinner. As the The Guardian reports, the 96-year-old retired surgeon was quite pleased with the opportunity to assist retirement home resident Patty Ris, who was stunned, and obviously grateful, after he dislodged the offending bit of burger. Hats off to Dr. Heimlich, and talk about being in the right place at the right time.