Welcome to the Week in Review for May 14th to May 20th
Saturday, May 14th This week of inspirational final acts, reprehensible Google doodles, and hilariously timed power outages got off to a slow start today, when nothing interesting happened anywhere. Fortunately, the date remains rich in historical significance, as it marks when delegates first assembled in Philadelphia for the start of 1787’s Constitutional Convention. Scholars note that while George Washington and Ben Franklin were present, notable Founding Fathers Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were serving as diplomats abroad. Another fun fact? The famous “We the people…” opening was added last-minute.
Sunday, May 15th Things began to pick up steam today, when a man in San Francisco attempted to rob a gas station with an empty bag of potato chips. Details come from a CBS affiliate KCBS, which reports that an unidentified man entered Kacee’s World of Water Car Wash in Rohnert Park, placed the empty bag on the counter, demanded the cashier fill it with cash, and indicated he had a gun. Unfortunately for the—apparently unarmed—bandit, the employee didn’t comply, and he was forced to flee on foot. The underwhelming, unprepared suspect remains at large, and we sincerely hope he’s reconsidered a life of crime.
Monday, May 16th Symphony fans around the world mourned today, when the Washington Post reported on the death of 87-year-old bassist Jane Little, who the paper had previously identified as the world’s longest-serving symphony musician. Little began her career with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra just months after the end of World War II, played even as she battled cancer with chemotherapy, and brought her career to stunning finale when she collapsed during the final notes of Irving Berlin’s classic “There’s No Business Like Show Business.” For a dedicated artist, we can’t imagine a better ending. Godspeed, Ms. Little.
Tuesday, May 17th Salem, Massachusetts is most famous for the period where its townsfolk tried to rid the city of devious witchcraft. But the city found itself back in the news today, when a 38-year-old woman narrowly escaped death after being lowered down a garbage chute to retrieve a set of lost keys. According to Boston.com, the woman was paid a $20 to dangle at the end of a bed sheet to snag said keys, and fell three stories after the plan went awry. Somewhat predictably, the improvised line snapped, the trash compactor awoke, and her leg was mangled. Luckily, the unidentified lady remains ineligible for a Darwin Award.
Wednesday, May 18th When it comes to adult entertainment, different folks, as they say, have different strokes. But today, Louisiana Legislator Kenneth E. Havard attempted to codify his taste, when the Republican amended a bill designed to designate a minimum age for stripping to also require dancers to be less than 165 pounds and under 28 years old to perform in Pelican State parishes. According to ABC affiliate WBRZ, the bill’s final language didn’t include Havard’s requirements. That said, we wonder if the state would be facing a crippling budget crisis if its elected officials weren’t juvenile strip club connoisseurs.
Thursday, May 19th Google, the technology company which famously adopted “Don’t be evil” as its corporate motto, abruptly changed course today, when it formally and enthusiastically endorsed evil. As the Vox reports, today’s doodle commemorated the birthday of Asian-American activist and Osama bin Laden fan-girl Yuri Kochiyama, who in 2003, described the terrorist as a “strong” leader who brought “consciousness” to his people. We’re shocked an American tech giant would honor such a vile mouthpiece, and stunned by the silence of mainstream “journalists.” Shame on Google, and may Kochiyama rot in hell.
Friday, May 20th As they say in show business, timing is everything—especially when it comes to comedy. On that note, a press conference called to tout India’s improvement in preventing power outages was hilariously punctuated today, as a power outage left Power Minister Piyush Goyal standing in a dark room full of reporters. Details come from TodayOnline, which reports Goyal was able to pivot from the embarrassing situation by joking with the press and paraphrasing Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken,” saying the event demonstrated he “has many miles to go before he rests and sleeps.” Best of luck, Minister. You’ll need it.