Saturday, October 15th This week of peanut butter penises, seriously stinky security features, famous offers of fellatio, and fragile collegiate sensibilities got off to a hallucinatory start today, when NBC Affiliate News Channel 13 reported the story of 43-year-old LSD user Michael Orchard, a man who broke into his neighbor’s home to save their dog from an imaginary fire. While the pooch wasn’t harmed in during the unnecessary intrusion, Orchard managed to do around 15k in damages to the home in the process, and is currently facing second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief charges.
Sunday, October 16th Today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump went on Fox News Sunday and publicly accused his Democratic opponent of being on drugs during the last debate. Like his claims that no one respects women more than he does, his excuse that he can’t release his tax returns because he’s under audit, and his dazzlingly bold assertion that he knows more about ISIS than the generals running our military, the orange, bloviating dumpster fire of a human offered nothing to back up the allegations. Later in the week, we will read that Republicans are abandoning Fox News because it just isn’t crazy enough, and fear anew for our fragile republic.
Monday, October 17th Nothing happened today, unless you count the 85th anniversary of legendary Chicago mafia boss Al Capone’s conviction for tax evasion, which sent him to a prison stint at Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary. And while there’s been much written and filmed about Capone’s bloody battle against Prohibition, nobody has done it with the skill of Brian De Palma, whose 1987 film The Untouchables remains a stylish, gritty, classic of cinema, and this Sean Connery’s quote remains one of our favorites: ” You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!”
Tuesday, October 18th As a proud graduate of Florida State University, we have two favorite football teams: Our beloved Seminoles, and whoever happens to be playing the University of Florida. And while we’re always happy to see the Gators humiliated on the gridiron, that doesn’t stop us from taking joy in seeing the Gainesville University demonstrate its inferiority in other ways. For an example, we turn to today’s CBS News story about how UF will has established a 24-hour hotline to council students potentially offended by any Halloween costumes they might see on campus. Maybe it’s us, but the current crop of safe-space-needing coeds seems a little bit thin-skinned. Seriously, harden the fuck up people.
Wednesday, October 19th Today brought the third and final debate in the race for the American presidency, and while Republican candidate Donald Trump actually managed to keep his shit together for the first third of it, it wasn’t long before he simply couldn’t take being civil, and fell back to his comfort zone of boorish interrupting and bullshit spewing. But as The Washington Post reported, it was Trump’s declaration that he wouldn’t commit to accepting the results of the November election if he loses which grabbed the headlines. In a better political story, pop icon Madonna told a packed Madison Square Garden that “If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job.” Sign us up.
Thursday, October 20th While we were quite nearly distracted by today’s mind-boggling Iceland Review story about how the famously chilly country is importing ice cubes from the Britain, Norway, and the United States, as a dedicated cyclist, we were thrilled to learn about a potent new weapon in the scourge of bicycle thieves. According to The Guardian, the newly invented Skunk Lock is designed to release a terrible odor—reportedly strong enough to make people immediately vomit—when cut, which should prove a compelling reason for would-be bike boosters to move on to easier prey. We like the concept of olfactory branding, but are still decidedly in the camp which believes horse thieves should be shot.
Friday, October 21st Today brought a case of righteous, yet misguided anger, when The Independent reported that 32-year-old Wisconsin woman Christina Ferguson used peanut butter to draw penises on over two dozen cars. But while Ferguson thought she was attacking the vehicles of Donald Trump supporters, unfortunately, the crowd was actually a meeting of conversationalists, who likely have little in common with the racist, sexual assault enthusiast Republican voters have chosen to champion for this presidential contest. While none of the vehicles were apparently damaged in the attack, local police decided to take the happy warrior into custody, after which it was unsurprisingly discovered that her blood-alcohol level was extremely elevated.