Welcome to the Week in Review for September 3rd to September 9th: “For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.” —Sun Tzu
Saturday, September 3rd This week of hardware-crippling decisions, horribly ill-timed laurels, and inspired border jumping kicks off with a story about a former Republican candidate for the Presidency of the United States forgetting his luggage on live television. Because this is seriously where we’re fucking at now. Will someone actually let us know when it’s the End of the World?
Sunday, September 4th Spicy food is an acquired taste. And while we can attest to the joy to be found in a plate of white-hot noodles that burn so bright they might make you feel like you’ve be sweating in Satan’s sauna for a fortnight, getting dosed with peppers accidentally is another thing entirely. Seriously, there’s a reason why capsicum is the only food product that’s been widely weaponized. So today’s report from The Independent hit us squarely in the nuts, as there’s just really no way to spin a bunch kids getting totally spiked with the Bhut Jolokia pepper, a flower so hot it could theoretically cause third-degree burns. But that happened.
Monday, September 5th Today was Labor Day, a date which American’s thankfully celebrate by not working at all. Rather, it’s a calendar box practically designated to light the grill, drink beer you can see through, and make up some wicked good shit with tin foil and fire. For the uninitiated? Put some sauerkraut, onions, and thin-sliced jalapenos in a double wrap of foil and throw it on the grill next to literally whatever else you are cooking. Seriously, it’s a delectable topping that even vegans can eat. Also, if you think it’s OK to put ketchup on a hot dog? You were obviously born in some kind of awful barn far from history, pretzels, and hot dogs. Eat kraut and stop being so precious.
Tuesday, September 6th If you’re doing it right, you’re kind of always moving. Like a shark. And sometimes, you’ll figure out that you’ve been swimming in a circle. So making a big change is probably the best idea. That’s why today marks our last full day in Los Angeles. While the City of Angles is an unquestionably beautiful place, and the privilege of driving in the canyons or even the city streets late at night is the stuff of dreams, the misty little city of Seattle has called again. And while it will likely not impact the temper or length of the Week in Review, it’s important to remember to note how it feels to be so happy you’re ringing like a bell. So there’s that. Now seriously, listen to this.
Wednesday, September 7th Today, Everywhere reported Apple announcing that the iPhone 7 will not have a headphone jack, and everyone freaked out. The lack of the standard accessory port spells the end of an era, and left us unapologetically sad. The memory of pulling the headphones out of our trusty Sony DiscMan and into a first-gen iPod in a mall in Cincinnati, Ohio still rings in our mind, and the idea Apple is ditching the universal way to listen to music is stupid, and indicative of the nosedive the company has taken after the death of Steve Jobs. Current CEO Tim Cook said the move to wireless is designed to spur “innovation,” but this shit is a naked as a cash grab gets.
Thursday, September 8th Illegal immigration was in the news again today, and while it initially appears that the incident described in today’s CTV News story might be part of a plan to flee our country, it seems the man who was arrested for taking an air mattress across the St. Croix River into New Brunswick, Canada did it for reasons even more ancient than politics: Love. After 25-year-old John Bennett was denied access to Canada and visit his girlfriend because of a pending mischief charge in the United States, he attempted to bypass authorities by utilizing the inflatable device. To absolutely nobody’s surprise, he was immediately taken into custody. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Friday, September 9th While it’s been long enough for pop culture to take aim at the despicable Nazi regime, as the writers of The Producers, and American violence auteur Quentin Tarantino did with Inglourious Basterds, it’s probably still a little too soon to reward children for dressing up like Hitler. But unfortunately, sometimes kids still do get laureled for dressing up like Hitler, and as you might imagine, it often goes over poorly. As evidence, we humbly submit today’s story from News.Com.Au, which detailed how a student at St Philip’s College in San Antonio, Texas got props for looking like Hitler in front of a group of Jewish exchange students. Way to go, Lone Star State.