Welcome to the Week in Review for September 24th to September 30th: “A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.” —John Steinbeck
Monday, September 26th This week of devastating debate smack downs, miraculous recoveries, sexually assaulted dinosaurs and enticing auctions got off to a potent start today, when the United Kingdom’s The Courier dropped this beautiful headline, “Perthshire scientist’s premature ejaculation treatment can’t come quickly enough.” Someday, we hope to have the opportunity to write a lead that brilliant. you really have to hand it to those cheeky Brits.
Sunday, September 25th Today, our attention turns to a story of medical misdiagnosis with an extremely protracted, but fortunately very happy ending. According to the Luremburger Wort, 61-year-old Rufino Borrego unnecessarily spent over 40 years in a wheelchair, after a doctor mistakenly believed the Portuguese man had muscular dystrophy. As it turns out, Borrego actually had a much rarer muscle-wasting disease, myasthenia. Fortunately, there’s an effective course of treatment for the chronic neuromuscular condition, and while it took a year to re-learn to walk, today he remains mobile and in excellent health. As they say, better late than never.
Monday, September 26th After what seems like a eternity of waiting, today brought the much-awaited first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. As CNN and everywhere else would later report, Trump exhibited all the charisma of rotting roadkill, and got his ass kicked by the former Secretary of State. But of all the criticism The Donald would receive for his disastrous performance, our favorite accusation comes from former Democratic candidate Howard Dean, who tweeted, “Notice Trump sniffing all the time. Coke user?,” during the 90-minute contest. Dean would later defend his remark to tell MSNBC’s Kate Snow, saying “This guy’s already proving himself to be unstable. The question is, why is he unstable?” Donald Trump would spend the next three days fighting with a beauty queen.
Tuesday, September 27th In a stunt which we seriously hope comes to fruition, today CBC News reported that pharma bro Martin Shkreli is auctioning off the right to punch him in the face. Shkreli is most famous for jacking the price of life-saving drug Daraprim, 4,000 percent, but he’s also pulled other dick moves, like buying the Wu Tang Clan’s sole copy of Once Upon a Time in Shaolin and not letting anyone else hear it. The money raised will go to help the sick child of a friend who passed away, and while a Florida woman bid $50,000 for the chance to “repeatedly pummel him in the face,” the bid has since been retracted.
Wednesday, September 28th A sleepy little English town got some unwelcome attention today, when the Express & Echo posted a story bearing the fantastic headline “Woman pictured performing sex act with dinosaur an ‘all time low’ for Exmouth.” Unfortunately, it’s not the only offense the T-Rex baby has faced recently, as vandals recently ripped its head off. And while we’re dismayed to learn about the decapitation, we’re obviously far more fascinated with the unnamed woman who got frisky with the headless reptile. At press time, there are no clues to her identity, though police are police are scouring social media to track her down.
Thursday, September 29th Recently, the nation has been awash in reports of creepy clowns terrorizing local communities, and today, the Tampa Bay Times reported on how the clown community is responding the sudden arise of their sinister brethren. Since the city is just up Interstate 5 from the historic Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Baily Circus’ Clown College, the metro area is full of literal clowns, and unsurprisingly, they’re pissed. “It’s disgusting for us (clowns), and we have to fight that image,” said Revonda Anderson, aka Vondie the Clown, “The people causing these problems are not real clowns.” Tonight, we will watch Killer Clowns From Outer Space.
Friday, September 30th Every newspaper has a horoscope. Because while it’s basically bullshit, millions of people around the world believe that the zodiac plays a role in the workings of the world. So when NASA revealed the existence of a 13th sign—the snake-bearer Ophiuchus—in a recent blog post, lots of people completely lost their minds. New York-based astrologer Shelley Ackerman told The Guardian “All my clients are freaking out,” which made us wonder quite a bit about how the fuck people actually become professional astrologers. Is there a school, like Clown College? And we thought writing was a weird job.