Welcome to the Week in Review for June 4th to June 10th: “Since the house is on fire, let us warm ourselves”
Saturday, June 4th This week of hilarious coincidence, flagrant litigious abuse, and tasteless desert menu advertisements got off to horrifying start today, when an enraged Russian man cut off his “friend’s” penis with a axe. The cringe-worthy details come via Mirage News, which reports that the impromptu amputation was sparked by an argument about, literally, whose dick was bigger, and followed a two-day binge drinking session which undoubtedly left both parties with severely compromised judgement. Unsurprisingly, it’s the man who came up short with the blood on his hands, and this incident is a good reminder for every man to keep dick-measuring contests figurative.
Sunday, June 5th In a startling development, today brings news from the state of Texas which doesn’t make us wish our mother had exercised her right to an abortion. According to a report from CBS News, the rate of “inappropriate” student-teacher relationships in the Lone Star State is still climbing, and will likely exceed the high-water remark set in 2015. Now, we realize the double standard that comes into play when female teachers seduce their male students makes some folks uncomfortable, but we find solace in the fact that if teenage boys have to live in a Hellscape like Texas, at least they might get to fuck their teacher. We only wish our high school years had been so exciting.
Monday, June 6th Anyone who has ever sold so much as a lug nut on Craigslist got a rude wake up call today, when details of Massachusetts man’s six-year, 30k battle over a $40 printer were revealed by Indianapolis’ Courier Post. Here’s a recap. Doug Costello sold a black and white printer to professional litigant Gersh Zavodnik, who then used a quiver of devious legal tricks to entrap the 66-year-old retiree in an infuriating and, deplorably, entirely legal battle over the common law contracts which govern the transfer of virtually any property. The absurdity and complexity of the case actually outweighs our current bandwidth for snark or derision, so we’ll just take a deep breath.
Tuesday, June 7th The inspiring, often almost telepathic nature of the bond between identical twins has been documented extensively, but seldom is the connection between luckily not-conjoined siblings looked at with an eye toward malice. Today however, the world got a taste of just how malice might look between these special pairs when, as NBC News reports Alexandria Duval “intentionally plunged the car she was driving off a Hawaii cliff—with her identical twin sister in the passenger’s seat.” At the end of the day, we remain slightly entranced by the idea that Duval was angry enough at a copy of herself that she decided to rid the earth of them both.
Wednesday, June 8th All too often, the world can look like a dire place full of labels and numbers which chase coalescence, but instead live like the lovers on Keats’ famous “Ode to a Grecian Urn.” Today, observers of total phenomenon rejoiced however, as at one spectacular world happening seemed to prove that at least sometimes, we exist within the realm of a celestial Mad-Lib. Details come from New York’s WIVB, which reported that a house full of marijuana plants erupted in flame on a stretch appropriately named “High Street.” We sincerely hope that any observers got a fantastic contact high, and also realized the hilarious nature of the blaze’s setting.
Thursday, June 9th In 2014, tikka masala fan and nut allergy sufferer Paul Wilson died tragically, when North Yorkshire, England’s Indian Garden restaurant neglected to follow his strict instructions that his takeout contain no nut products. And while we are always hesitant to blame malice when laziness or stupidity could be to blame, the apology email owner Mohammed Zaman sent to patrons over Wilson’s untimely death seemed to indicate he didn’t find the matter very serious, as he referred to the poisoning as “heavy press” before shamelessly plugging a new desert menu created by “an exclusive pastry chef from London.” Here’s hoping these dishes don’t kill anyone.
Friday, June 10th Today brought more news from worker’s paradise of North Korea, which is currently in the middle of a national campaign to educate its populace on the dangers of cigarette smoking. Unfortunately, the officials behind the unquestionably noble drive found their efforts complicated today, when as CNN reported, the state press agency circulated a photo of Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un obviously smoking a cigarette. Now, we understand that asking a despot to stub out his smoke is likely not something any sane person would do, but we must wonder why the official photographer could have just waited for another, sans-cig shot. North Korea, you so crazy!