Welcome to the Week in Review for June 25th to July 1st: Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain. —J.K. Rowling
Saturday, June 18th This week of mysterious canine defecators, malicious human urinators, and wildly inappropriate preview placements got off to buttoned-down, principled start today, when Politico reported that prominent conservative, bow-tie enthusiast and Washington Post columnist George F. Will left the Republican party to protest presumptive nominee Donald Trump. Now, while we don’t agree with the sharp-tongued, climate change-denying pundit on virtually anything politically, we’ve often enjoyed Will’s exceptional wit, and particularly appreciated his vigor during the 2008 presidential election, when he described Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin as “governor of a national park.”
Sunday, June 26th In what might mildly be called an outrageously stupid idea, today Forbes revealed that Six Flags Entertainment Corp is exploring opening a theme park in the repressive, deliberately joyless kingdom of Saudi Arabia. While any deal is said to be “at a very early stage,” we shutter to think about exactly what kind of rides will be designed to entertain residents of a country where spousal abuse is state sanctioned, beheadings are held in soccer stadiums, and the prescribed punishments for simple joys like public hand holding, cocktail hour, or driving-while-female include arrest and torture. We expect any attraction will make Kentucky’s lowly Creation Museum look like Disney World on acid.
Monday, June 27th While many have publicly cursed negligent dog owners for failing to pick up their pet’s waste, rarely have we seen the desire to identify and punish perpetrators taken to such a dizzying, high-tech extreme. Because according to Los Angeles’ KTLA, residents of a local senior community are now required to submit DNA samples of their canine companions, so any droppings left behind can be properly attributed. As you’d expect, penalties for failing to scoop the poop are steep, with a first offense bringing a $150 fine, and addition instances calling for $250 in restitution. We wonder how long it’ll be before a scatological scofflaw gets all CSI and attempts to contaminate a “sample” with bleach.
Tuesday, June 28th Fans of crunchy, delicious snacks were greeted with disturbing news today, when the Detroit News published a story bearing the headline “Rice Krispies Treats Urinator Still at Large.” As the article details, while Kellogg has been working diligently with the FDA to find the Kentucky plant worker who infamously filmed himself peeing on the cereal giant’s puffed rice, the investigation has stalled. And since nearly two years has passed since the video surfaced on World Star Hip Hop, the prospect of catching the penis-wielding perpetrator seems increasingly remote, unfortunately ensuring millions will never hear the classic taunt, “who pissed in your Corn Flakes?” quite the same way again.
Wednesday, June 29th Parents at a California movie theater were caught hilariously off-guard today, when the trailer for Seth Mayer’s new animated project Sausage Party was shown before a matinee screening of Pixar’s family friendly Finding Dory. According to the Guardian, management apologized profusely for the error, which was blamed on a last-minute theater switch, and stressed they are aware a preview featuring scenes of an personified, Irish-accented potato being skinned alive, baby carrots screaming as they are chewed, and profuse profanity is not appropriate for a PG audience. Best line in the trailer: “They’re eating children! Fucking children!” We sincerely wish those parents luck at meal time.
Thursday, June 30th Today brings news of the first death related to Tesla’s dangerously named Autopilot mode. For details, we turn to Jalopnik, which reported that 45-year-old Joshua Brown’s Model S was in Autopilot when, as the NHTSA describes, “a tractor-trailer made a left turn in front of the Tesla at an intersection on a noncontrolled access highway.” Neither Brown or the Tesla’s much-touted semi-autonomous system saw the big-rig’s move, and he died at the scene. Alarmingly, Brown’s YouTube account suggests the ex-Navy Seal might have trusted the technology too much, and the truck driver involved will later tell the Telegraph he could hear a Harry Potter movie playing inside the wreck.
Friday, July 1st Opponents of inexplicably bland, tiresomely pious, and occasionally poisonous Mexican-aping fare kicked off the holiday weekend with some wonderful schadenfreude today, when the Wall Street Journal reported that Chipotle chief creative officer Mark Crumpacker will likely face cocaine charges after being implicated in NYC bust. Now, while we firmly believe grown people should be legally able to ingest whatever intoxicating substances they choose, we simply can’t find sympathy for this palate-impaired corporate shill, though his preference for appetite-suppressing stimulants speaks volumes about why he’d hawk Chipotle’s menu. Tonight, we’ll hit our favorite taco truck.