Welcome to the Week in Review for August 20th to August 26th: “People love conspiracy theories.” —Neil Armstrong
Saturday, August 20th This week of bigoted conspiracy theories, accidental immigration, lost lobsters, and devious election fraud got off to a cleverly costumed start today, when police in Massachusetts arrested 31-year-old Shaun Miller, who according to BBC News, had been using an old man mask to avoid capture since going on the lam back in April. Props to the cops for seeing through the ruse, which made the heroin trafficker almost—but apparently not completely—unrecognizable. His picture seriously makes us think of Old Man Withers from the classic cartoons Scooby Do cartoons. Maybe you remember Wayne’s World’s play on it?
Sunday, August 21st Getting your car keyed can be an expensive, depressing nightmare, and we’ve firmly of the opinion that regardless of what someone has done, messing with their vehicle is never, ever, cool. So we sympathize with car-owning residents of the small Austrian town of Styria, who as the Independent reports, are being targeted by a mentally ill woman with a propensity to scratch cars with a zig zag pattern. While authorities estimate she’s vandalized over 1000 cars during the her reign of terror, they admit they’re basically powerless to stop her, because the acts aren’t seriously enough to warrant imprisonment. Here in the States, we bet they’d charge her with something.
Monday, August 22nd In this fevered election season, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has been ensuring that illegal immigration stays at the front of the conversation. And while most of the vitriol spewed by the orange, short-fingered, dumpster fire is aimed squarely at Hispanics, today Canada faced a different kind of immigration crisis, when it found its shores invaded by drunken throngs of river party “floaters,” who were blown across the border during Michigan’s annual Port Huron Float Down. Details come from Reuters, which described that while some “illegals” had to be stopped from to swimming back to the USA, injuries were minor, and nobody was charged.
Tuesday, August 23rd Most of the time, when the sinking of the Titanic is discussed, blame for the disaster falls clearly on captain Edward John Smith’s reckless speed and an ill-placed iceberg. But today brought the release of a new Russian documentary which speculates that the luxury liner’s doomed maiden voyage was actually due other factors, namely, the Jews. As the Jewish Chronicle reports, the film also goes on to say that along with bagels, magnificent deli food, and hilarious television shows about nothing, the Jewish people are also responsible for less savory things, including the attacks of 9/11, the meltdown at Chernobyl, and the fall of the USSR. Oy vey!
Wednesday, August 24th Today we got another dose of bigoted, crazy conspiracy theories via bloviating bag of shit Rush Limbaugh, who according to Chron, is now telling his audience that those in rural areas should brace for an influx of lesbian farmers, so the Obama administration can “bust up one of the last geographically conservative regions in the country.” Where he comes up with this shit is anyone’s guess, but we suspect that right-wing radio host’s long history of prescription drug abuse factors into the situation significantly. Fortunately, if current terrestrial radio trends continue going the direction they’re currently headed, we likely won’t have to hear anything from him for much longer.
Thursday, August 25th While we personally happen to love hot dogs—particularly when they’re loaded with mustard, onions, and sauerkraut—we can understand if diners at the recent Northern Alberta Lobster Festival might have been slightly disappointed to find hot dogs subbed for the celebrated crustacean at the last minute. And while certain Russian filmmakers might be quick to point fingers at Jewish people for the mix up, blame in this case falls clearly on the shoulders of Air Canada, which according to VOCM, lost over 150 pounds of lobster destined for the event. Fortunately, festival organizer Jackie Panuisiak did eventually get her lobsters, along with an apology from the carrier.
Friday, August 26th As his poll numbers have plunged, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has started telling his supporters he suspects the upcoming election will be “rigged.” And while numerous studies have shown voter fraud is a tiny problem, today we got news that it actually does exist, when a headline on the Guardian blared “Trump Campaign Chief Steve Bannon is Registered Voter at Vacant Florida Home.” At this point, the campaign will only say Bannon has moved, but provided no address, and searches of public records found no other properties registered to him in the Sunshine State. Voter fraud is a felony, and if convicted, Bannon could face a five-year prison sentence.