Saturday, April 30th This week of sneaky alligators, homeless Italian gourmands, and sexualized fruit videos got off to a supernatural start today, when a fisherman in a remote Indonesian village mistook an inflatable sex doll for a fallen angel. According to Rappler, the unidentified 21-year old believed the mysterious figure’s appearance was related to a recent solar eclipse, and dressed the divine doll in traditional garb before meeting with authorities dispatched to investigate his celestial claim. No word on his reaction upon learning of the “angel’s” true purpose.
Sunday, May 1st Devoted fans of the late Bob Hoskins were surprised today, when hundreds of Twitter users took to their tablets to lament that the beloved star of 1988’s groundbreaking fantasy-comedy Who Framed Roger Rabbit? had died for a second time. As BBC News noted, the confusion apparently began after posts marking the anniversary of his passing in 2014 popped up on the social media time-suck, and confirmed our long-running suspicions that Twitter aficionados are ADD-addled non-readers who can’t process anything over 120 characters. RIP, again, Mr. Hoskins.
Monday, May 2nd Along with sonorous sports cars, fierce nationalism, and impeccable fashion sense, Italy is known for having the some of the finest cuisine on the European continent. So it’s not shocking to expect that even when destitute, Italian citizens would remain ferocious foodies. Today, cheerful confirmation of that hypothesis came via a Fox News report describing how homeless in Bologna turned away meals prepared by vegan chef Simone Salvini. We hate to hear of anyone going hungry, but it’s gratifying to see people maintain their dignity in dire circumstances.
Tuesday, May 3rd In an incident reminiscent of Saturday Night Live’s classic “Land Shark” skit, an alligator in Monck’s Corner, South Carolina was caught on video trying to ring the doorbell of a suburban home. Details come from ABC News, which reported that the cunning reptile initially tried to climb over a fence—to access a swimming pool—before progressing with the more conventional, front-door approach. Fortunately, the family wasn’t home when alligator called, and it eventually wandered off without incident. And we thought Jehovah’s Witnesses were bad.
Wednesday, May 4th While pasty geeks around the world paused to celebrate the Star Wars films—”May the 4th be with you,” get it?—today, infinitely cooler fans celebrated the music of iconic punk band Jawbreaker, who immortalized this date on their major label debut, Dear You. The song “Sluttering (May 4th)” is the high water mark on a record which, two decades after its release, remains artistically perfect, even if the polished production initially alienated hardcore fans. In the words of singer Blake Schwarzenbach, “if you hear this song 100 times, it still won’t be enough.”
Thursday, May 5th Fans of police procedurals are accustomed to seeing lab technicians portrayed as everything from goth’n’go sex kittens, to perverted misanthropes, to spectrum-straddling geniuses. But the folks under the lab coat are often even more complicated, a fact which was hilariously illustrated by today’s Sky News report detailing the tale of drug enthusiast and Massachusetts police employee Sonja Farak, who admitted to habitually testing evidence while high on methamphetamines, ketamine, cocaine, and LSD. Fortunately, Farak was only able to evade detection for eight years.
Friday, May 6th The week concludes with a pronouncement from the Chinese Ministry of Culture, who today banned users of video-streaming sites from eating bananas in an erotic fashion. For clarification, we once again turn to the scribes of BBC News, who report that the agency will monitor the popular sites “round-the-clock” to ensure that behavior which “harms social morality” is not present on any streams. While we might disagree with this latest effort from the Ministry, we simply must admire the titanic ambition of a group which believes it can rid the Internet of pornographic content.