Saturday, April 2nd This week of cobra attacks, car chases, and celestial lost dogs got off to a roaring start today, with a case of parenting gone hilariously awry. Because while a mother hiring a stripper for her son’s birthday might be considered off-key in the best of circumstances, when the young man in question is turning the ripe-old age of eight, it’s cause for concern. But because the world is an imperfect place, things like that, according to a report from The Independent, actually happen. So often, we laugh because we don’t want to cry.
Sunday, April 3rd Like traffic jams and taco stands, car chases are part of daily life in California, but rarely are residents of the Golden State treated to one as adorable as a chihuahua being chased across San Francisco’s Bay Bridge by a motorcycle cop. According to ABC News, the petite canine was able to circumvent several roadblocks before an officer was able to distract him with his jacket and remand him to the custody of local animal services. The scrappy traveler, which officers nicknamed “Ponch,” remains unclaimed.
Monday, April 4th In another case of adults acting like children and fucking up everything for actual children, a library in Australia’s city of Perth was forced to cancel a Harry Potter event after local adults threw a temper tantrum about not being allowed to attend. As WAtoday reports, after the celebration was announced, the library fielded over 11,000 inquiries about the event, at least one of which impugned the sincerity of younger fans by stating that those who grew up with the lightening-bolt scared wizard are the “real fans.”
Tuesday, April 5th Confirming the nightmares of many couples who’ve stayed in small roadside motels, the Denver Post today unveiled the sordid tale of Gerald Foos, whose ownership of the Manor House Motel included installing false ceiling vents so he could watch patrons become, what William Shakespeare artfully described as “the beast with two backs.” Making the situation even creepier was the revelation that Foos allegedly witnessed a murder while spying, but never reported it to police, for fear of revealing his “secret life.”
Wednesday, April 6th Today a Daimler shareholders meeting got beautifully, Germanicly out-of-hand, due to the fact that two attendees became enraged and proceeded to fight over complimentary sausages. As Bloomberg details, the fracus erupted after a man began packing up some of the links to take home, and a woman—who considered the move to be in poor taste—called him out. Thankfully, the dispute didn’t escalate beyond verbal, and the investors’ meeting was apparently allowed to continue as planned.
Thursday, April 7th In a tragic case which demonstrates just how much some artists believe the adage that “the show must go on,” Indonesian pop singer Irma Bule continued to perform after she was bitten by a cobra on stage, only to die 45 minutes later, after collapsing and vomiting in front of a stunned crowd. According to Sky News, while Bule had long performed with snakes, the reptile in question hadn’t been defanged, and struck the mother-of-tree after it was stepped on during the opening moments of the show.
Friday, April 8th Bold explorer Sam the Dog, who is fortunately not a sentient canine but a stuffed animal, was reported lost today, after English elementary school students used a helium balloon to send him to what NBC News describes as “the edge of space.” Unfortunately, students took the loss hard, and Sam’s recovery seems near impossible, because as Chris Rose from SendIntoSpace.com describes, only a rough estimation of his current location can be offered, as the group doesn’t have “any data on the aerodynamics of a toy dog.”
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