Welcome to the Week in Review for August 27th to September 2nd: “Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” —Victor Kiam
Saturday, August 27th This week of hard-sell tourist destinations, nude beach bust ups, and murderous meet and greets got off to a truly terrifying start today, when South Carolina’s Fox 8 reported on a creepy clown that’s been spotted trying to lure Greenville children into the woods. While the clown has so far been unsuccessful in his attempts, local parents have been warned that “at no time should a child be alone at night, or walking in the roads or wooded areas at night.” Stephen King’s It remains one of the scariest books we’ve ever read, and the twisted clown Pennywise remains a huge reason why. Here’s hoping this maniac is caught soon.
Sunday, August 28th While the city of Lebanon, Ohio is the proud owner of a shiny new fire truck, the honeymoon period with the new rig lost some its luster today, when Fox News reported it won’t fit inside the local fire station. Apparently, the brains behind the purchase knew it wouldn’t fit, and are currently modifying the garage to accommodate the 900k ladder truck. Exactly why they didn’t just buy one which could be housed in the current structure wasn’t made clear, but given that Ohio’s regional delicacies include cinnamon-spiked chili served over pasta, we’re just going to assume the Buckeye State is a Bizarro Superman world where nothing makes sense.
Monday, August 29th Everyone who’s seen the Terminator knows that humanity’s days at the top of the food chain are numbered. So it’s always nice to hear there are some things us imperfect meat sacks can do better than the machines. According to the Washington Post, one of those things is writing, which was brilliantly illustrated today when Facebook’s nascent news-writing algorithms began posting fake news, including a story on how Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly had jumped ship and publicly declared support for Hillary Clinton. That’s what you get for firing all of your human editors, Facebook. For the time being, we humble scribes still serve a purpose.
Tuesday, August 30th Today brought a spectacular and deadly case of irony, when NBC News reported that six people were shot at a “Love Thy Neighbor” event in Brighton, Alabama. Fortunately, only one person was killed during Friendship Baptist Church’s event, which saw multiple gunmen fire 30 to 40 shots into the assembled crowd. While one suspect is currently in custody, there’s been no mention of a possible motive for the attack, which has left the community justifiably rattled. Given how many guns and crazy people we have in the United States, we’re surprised that incidents like this don’t happen more often, but we’re always horrified by them.
Wednesday, August 31st If you’ve been paying even marginal attention to the news of late, you’re likely aware that Syria isn’t exactly the best place to vacation right now, as troublesome things like a protracted civil war and government-sponsored chemical attacks are making life for civilians hellish. But as the Irish Times reported today, that didn’t stop the Syrian tourism board from releasing a splashy new ad aimed at attracting foreign travelers to country. Dubbed “Always Beautiful,” the spot predictably skips any shots of bombed out buildings in favor of drone footage of a beautiful beach and a speeding jet ski. Who will this actually fool?
Thursday, September 1st Generally, it’s not really polite to stare anywhere, but apparently, folks on French nude beaches take that offense particularly seriously. So after a group of ten fully clothed young people stormed the beach at Le Teste-de-Buch and began jeering bathers, things went sideways very quickly. According to AOL Travel, the youths were told to “get nude or get lost,” but refused to comply, and that’s when things got physical. Now, wrestling with a naked man sounds like punishment enough to us, but apparently the local cops did take a couple of the loudmouthed louts into custody. Here’s hoping next time they go that beach, they’re in the buff.
Friday, September 2nd This week concludes with a certainly embarrassing but also extremely entertaining case of public flatulence in the United Kingdom’s seaside town of Grimsby. As the Grimsby Telegraph reports, those assembled in the Grimsby Magistrates’ Court were shocked when an unidentified woman broke wind loud enough to briefly bring the proceedings to a halt. While the article is unclear about any olfactory repercussions from the interruption, it did mention that several people moved away from the woman after she returned to the courtroom later in the day. Regardless, this incident reminds us of one of our favorite colloquialisms, “That’ll go over like a fart in church.”